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At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

September 7, 2005 | Issue 41•36

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Venus in your sun sign means that you'll spend many hours this week traveling through some rough and unfamiliar romantic territory. Bullet holes in the road signs, however, mean you're traveling through Texas.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

There comes a time in a man's life when he begins to take stock—his thoughts turn to his place in the world, his impending mortality, and the meaning of life, if any at all... But yours will stay pretty much fixed on vaginas.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

This is a good week to remember that love is not a game for cowards. It's also not fair, not played by any rules, and not a game you can win, so good luck, Romeo.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'd always dreamed of the many glamorous ways in which being a rhino hunter would change your life, but it's pretty much the way it's always been except for hunting all the charging rhinos.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will be shunned by some of the more traditional members of the tightly knit community of pornography directors for your tendency to ruin climactic moments by splashing the actresses with all the wrong bodily fluids.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You will be mortified at the group of self-righteous, middle-income, non-nurse-murdering losers that the state seems to consider a jury of your peers.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

No one knew that when you said "your own special brand of justice" you were just talking about another variation of the old ding-dong-ditch.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You seem to glow with your own special inner light, which is probably because of all that radium in your diet.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Remember: Despite your talents and capabilities, you are just one person. Stop insisting that you're a 14-piece bluegrass band.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You will inspire strong feelings in everyone you meet, particularly the older women on the parole board.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Jesus Himself in all His heavenly glory will appear before you, but unfortunately, the dream will only be moderately erotic.

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