Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

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"Since the '70s, the Keebler elves have toiled around the clock in a cramped, unventilated, hollow tree," Quinn said. "The stories you hear about 'magic ovens' and 'elfin magic' are nonsense. The only thing 'magic' about the Keebler tree is the quote-unquote 'invisible gold' the elves are paid in."

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Police explain that elves grow in size once they leave the magic tree.

Quinn said Keebler's safety violations number in the hundreds, and singled out a controversial, high-velocity device retrofitted in 1992 to manufacture Chips Deluxe cookies.

"During the 13 years the device has been in use, it has pelted numerous elves with chocolate chips," Quinn said. "Just last year, an elf was hospitalized after being pummeled with chips moving at speeds exceeding 80 miles per hour."

The elf, 212-year-old Ireth Telemnar, later died from massive internal bleeding and head trauma.

While no public records are kept on the number of magic-creature body parts that turn up in processed foodstuffs, Calvin Blosser, a senior researcher for the Food and Drug Administration, said that their frequency is very low.

"We estimate that fantasy-creature body fragments in foods such as cookies, crackers, and cereal account for no more than two parts per million," Blosser said. "This is lower than the maximum allowed amount for insect parts and mouse hairs in equivalent products."

Some are questioning Blosser's estimate, as the elfin-finger incident follows an occurrence in April of this year, in which a Sioux City, IA man found the lower half of a diminutive humanoid creature with green leggings, a belt buckle, and pointy green shoes in a box of Lucky Charms cereal. The man settled out of court with General Mills for an undisclosed sum.