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At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

All your plans that are not impossible are too intimidating for you to ever seriously contemplate carrying them out, but good luck anyway.

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