Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
