Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You keep insisting that your love life is nobody's business, but the nice men and women in the lab coats are just trying to help you make more pandas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone likes a comforting bowl of hot, tasty soup, but somehow you expected more from life.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your naïve belief that girls don't go to the bathroom will be conclusively and graphically disproven this week, during the last blind date you'll ever have.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your undying patriotism and staunch "my country right or wrong" stance will continue to prevent you from reading a newspaper.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon play a small part in the history of the vast interstellar navy of Quondrax, a planet where they can only christen a new Star Dreadnought by smashing an asshole like you across its bow.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're a proud individual, and there are just some things that you've never been able to bring yourself to say, but "Give me some more goddamned fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy right fucking now" isn't one of them.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You weren't a member, and you never watched them perform, but still, you have no idea what you'll do with yourself now that the Romanian women's gymnastics team has disbanded.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
No one's escaped from the place since the day it was built, but that shouldn't stop you from attempting to break out of the American Family Insurance offices on Frontage Road.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You knew that hanging out with that fire-eating strongman and sword-swallower would get you in trouble, but you thought it would be related to fire-eating or sword-swallowing, not check-kiting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You never liked bears, never had any curiosity about bears, and hardly ever think about them, so it's no surprise that there aren't any around when you could really use one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's really too bad you don't follow professional sports, because you'll soon be hit by a bolt of lightning and gain the ability to have the latest scores scroll across the bottom of your eyes.
