Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.