Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.
