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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

November 3, 2009

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.

October 27, 2009

Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

October 20, 2009

Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

October 13, 2009

Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

October 6, 2009

Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.

September 22, 2009

Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

September 15, 2009

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

September 8, 2009

Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

September 1, 2009

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

See All Horoscopes

September 28, 2005 | Issue 41•39

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

It's no wonder people find your life story a little hard to believe. Certainly you must have done something besides "on with the pants, off with the pants."

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You've always loved late-summer camping, but that was before Smokey The Bear was encouraged to rip careless marshmallow-roasters right the fuck in half.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You're the type of woman who has a ski rack on her 1993 Volvo, but does not own skis. Although there is only one woman of that type, it is unfortunately you.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

There is in fact a purpose to the universe. However, the purpose is to utterly and completely destroy you.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

It seems like you have spent years looking for the right way to show that special someone that you love her, but in the end, you'll just resort to building her a palace from the shattered bones of all who oppose you.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

It's true that one should keep one's friends close and one's enemies closer, but first, one has to inspire strong feelings of one sort or another in one's fellow man.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You'll spend next week feeling like the proverbial motherless child a long way from home without anyone in the world who cares for you, which is pretty self-indulgent, considering the thousands of people who literally are that.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Everyone says that there's never any reason to take a human life, but it seems like you just keep coming up with more of them every day.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Please understand that you broke the Zodiac's heart when you fell in love with your therapist's son and moved to Utah with him to get your pilot's license, but it's probably for the best.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Fame may be fleeting, but human compassion endures. In other words, you should calm down and let Carl Weathers stay on your couch a few more days.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

When the aliens begin to arrive next week, please don't be the one to let the human race down by showing them how you can jump your bike off the roof right into the pool.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Late at night, you still see the faces of every single one of your victims, which would not be half as horrifying if you weren't the exterminator for the city of Newark.

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