Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars do not usually warn mortals of specific outcomes or specific futures, but if you throw away a pair of face cards to try and fill a straight one more time, they're going to come down there and kill you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be swarmed by a rare strain of Americanized killer bees who, unlike their Africanized cousins, just want to hang out and watch TV all day.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing of note will happen in the part of the week when you'll still be around.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After three long years, and 18 months before parole, prison sex is just as boring and rote as any other kind.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You thought the magic lamp looked kind of weird, and you're still sort of wondering what exactly that genie meant when he said you would now be immortal in dog years.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The sun and moon themselves will fall madly in love with you and set about vying for your affection by showering you with gifts, so, unfortunately, you'll be killed Thursday afternoon by a dozen roses and a box of chocolates traveling at near-orbital velocity.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You won't be hit by a bus this week, exactly. Circumstances will unfold so that you're traveling at almost 100 miles an hour when you strike a stationary bus.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Do not give up hope for happiness and companionship, for love is very real. However, none of the trite behaviors or quasi-magical aspects you attribute to love actually exist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
People are starting to wonder exactly how many times someone has to yell "Get Funky!" at you before you actually take the hint and do so.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've always known that people are good deep down inside, but it's still a pain to carve away the excess skin and flab to get to the savory parts.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your future seems to contain a great amount of fluorescent lighting, a lot of spreadsheets, and a great many people trying to avoid meaningful contact with you; basically, everything you went to college for.
