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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

October 19, 2005 | Issue 41•42

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.

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