Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It still seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While it's true that no one asked you if you wanted to be born, you must realize that's because you would have made a lot of demands as to when, where, and to whom.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be offered the chance to make amends with everyone you've ever wronged, but the stars are putting good money on your deciding not to.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Drinking is not the answer to your problems. However, since sex addiction is in fact the answer to all your problems, your lifestyle need not change.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It is neither sentience nor a sense of humor that separates us from the animals. Turns out it's actually celebrity zookeeper Jack Hanna.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your tactics of overwhelming your opposition with spectacular shows of force and choking the roads with fleeing refugees will be seen as inappropriate by the other electronics wholesalers.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You know that people change when they have children. That said, your transformation will be particularly remarkable when you discover you have two dozen of them, all with special needs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your self-destructive behavior resumes this week when you run out of anything else to destroy.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your sudden and extreme maritime promotion can be traced less to competence and seamanship than to the tradition of captains going down with the ship.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
When all is said and done, everyone will have to admit that, while it might not have been worth the loss of your arm, you were right about caribou.
