Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
