Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Coast Guard officials will initially be shocked when you tell them the shark let you go after eating your left leg, but once they try your right one, they'll see that your flesh is tough and gamy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
According to the stars, the mysterious wheels of fate have finally begun turning in your direction, and soon, they'll seize a bearing of fate, jump out of the brackets of fate, and careen into your house.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A diode is an electronic component that makes sure electricity flows only one way. To prevent damage to the electrical wiring in your house, be sure to install one of these between the lamp cord and your genitals.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your one-in-a-million luck continues this week when you manage to tick off the one person in the world who doesn't smack himself when he uses nunchucks.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be haunted by mediocrity and the specter of your own mortality in the form of unusually thin and flavorless marinara sauces.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You know it's not truly over until the fat lady sings, but my God, the enormous bitch is taking forever.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll stop going with your gut and start listening to your heart, almost instantly ruining your career in public relations.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You always suspected that the Machine Revolt would ultimately end humanity's era of dominance, but you never suspected the Roomba's heinous and tidy betrayal.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars are sorry, but writing greeting-card messages does not make you a poet. Take comfort in the fact that, since this is America, you'll make the lists anyway.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Authorities somehow get the idea that the frozen corpse is that of an explorer who became lost in the Rocky Mountains and somehow wandered into your freezer.
