Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Next time, you will know better than to attend the International Maim All The Aries Festival just because some band you really like is playing the main stage.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal dysplasias.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A bum will mistake your abstract lower-back tattoo for a scratch-off lottery ticket and gouge you to the spine, but on the bright side, he'll win 50 bucks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Yes, there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't mention anything about using a radial arm saw.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be blessed with the arrival of a brand-new little life this week, although you will be rather disturbed by the way it crawls out of the toilet and begins caterwauling.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Although the mystical Rainbow Serpent isn't happy about sharing his symbology with the gay-rights movement, you should still be very, very careful about making fun of his lesbian sister Jen.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Theater owners will probably look the other way if you want to sneak candy, soda, and snacks into the movies, but if you really want to carry the stuff in your colon, no one can stop you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars indicate that you will receive 15 percent off your next Denny's breakfast if you mention this special celestial message.
