Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel very apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've always been the type to see the glass half-full, but that will change next week when you start drinking.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Any hesitation you have in summoning the underworld demon Astaroth will be more than canceled out by your eagerness to sacrifice a goat.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Circumstance will prove again and again this week that only half of the old saying, "If it bends it's funny; if it breaks, it's not" applies to femurs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The effects of your four-year tour in the U.S. Navy become especially evident this week when, despite hours of trying, you are physically and mentally incapable of finishing a plate of Captain Highliner's Fish Sticks.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll die a grisly and violent death next week after being chased around the tri-state area by sumo wrestlers, but not in the manner you expect.
