Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
People think you're delusional when you say you're in love with a girl on a billboard next to Highway 41, until they realize you fastened a nursing student up there with carriage bolts.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your long-held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword will be put to the test this week when you sign up for a combination fencing/calligraphy class co-taught by an angry Spaniard and a weary sensei.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
This is the nesting season of the Turner's Dauber, a nine-inch-long species of parasitic wasp that injects its starving, carnivorous larvae deep into a species of wren that looks just like your new hairstyle.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some say that your shortsightedness will be the death of you, but it's your glaucoma that leads you to drive up an off-ramp and into a gasoline truck.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing in size around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll finally put an end to your illiteracy this week when what you believe to be a bowl of alphabet soup turns out to be a can of minestrone with a POISON label on it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Once again, a poorly timed wisecrack at the office will lead to you lying prone in a ditch with ice water up to your chin and your hands going numb on the grip of the .45.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It'll finally hit you this week that the Gerber baby is most likely dead by now, a realization brought on not so much by the photo on the front of the jar but the mush inside.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The good people over at Fisher-Price say it's impossible to be dismembered by one of their toys, but you'll soon show those smug bastards what's what.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.