Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The title of World's Greatest Escape Artist will be passed from Houdini to you this week, after you escape not from handcuffs or a straightjacket, but from a loveless marriage with only the aid of vodka.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, your family members decide to take you off the respirator.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A weary mind can often be relieved with a simple change of scenery. Politely ask your captors if they would allow you to take a brief walk around the block.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother, for ingesting the thalidomide.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A leap of logic will result in the worst-selling novelty product of all-time and leave you stuck with a football-field-sized warehouse filled with real vomit.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The sense of hearing is often the first to go, but with you, it's the sense of dignity.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The stars haven't been feeling very comfortable with metaphors lately, but here goes: You will contract the HIV of sexually transmitted diseases this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your discovery of Ponce de Leon's famed Fountain Of Youth will be marred by the unfortunate, simultaneous discovery of a half-dozen infants drowned in its waters.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A romantic hot-air-balloon ride will quickly sour when it becomes clear that you and your husband are guinea pigs in a dangerously amateurish meteorological experiment.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, if you were able to feel anything from the neck down.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though the annual Chemistry And Engineering Institute Of Vermont Christmas celebration is weeks away, you're already beginning to dread the laborious chore of whipping up a bowl of your famous homemade Cheetos.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.