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Past Horoscopes

June 26, 2009

Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

June 16, 2009

Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

June 9, 2009

Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.

June 2, 2009

Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.

May 26, 2009

Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

May 19, 2009

Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.

May 12, 2009

Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.

May 5, 2009

Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.

May 1, 2009

Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.

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November 30, 2005 | Issue 41•48

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You'll be forced to learn yet another lesson the hard way this week, but it's college-level differential calculus for engineers, and that's the way everyone learns.

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