Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While it's possible that, one day, you'll be able to forgive your husband for walking out on your children, you will never forgive him for walking out on your children without you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
According to the stars, a misguided attempt to prevent injury will instead result in a debilitating spinal-cord injury when you attempt to lift a 500-pound pallet of ball bearings with your knees, instead of using a forklift.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
For years you've thought of yourself as most resembling the Greek goddess Aphrodite, but the stars think that you are ready to know the truth: You're a mix between Teiresias, the Gorgon sisters, and Cerberus.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant this week before paying a visit to its bathroom.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your attempt to play guitar under the bedroom window of your one true love will fail this week when you are denied flame-cannon permits.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be forever labeled "quixotic" after mistaking a field of windmills for the solution to the world's energy crisis.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite there being over 50 different words for snow in Inuktitut, you will fail time after time to score cocaine while visiting the Yukon next week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's often true that two heads are better than one, the shattered skull of your adulterous wife will prove no help in coming up with a place to bury the body.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars say that birdwatchers from all over the world will congregate outside your home sometime next week to observe more than five distinct species of vultures.
