The Onion

Monday, December 5, 2005

Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail

Organized shoplifting gangs are posing a serious threat to retailers around the nation. What do you think?

Young Man

Chris Theile,
Speech Pathologist
"These shoplifters are angry at the world, but when will they learn that a life of misdemeanor is not the solution?"

Asian Man

Mike Medeiros,
Orthodontist
"There's so many people in stores now. I don't trust any of them."

Young Woman

Emily Waller,
Systems Analyst
"I used to be part of a shoplifting gang in high school. My friend Ricky would break a dish and I would grab all the Pop Rocks I could while they were distracted. Then we would run out back and eat all the Pop Rocks at once! Man, I love Pop Rocks."

All American Voices

Personal of the Day