Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A signature lovingly practiced and perfected in youth, when there seemed to be nothing but time and dreaming, will be used to sign off on a shipment of new highlighter pens for the conference room this week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
Libra September 23 - October 23
To many, you're nothing more than an overly enthusiastic carpet salesman, which is unfortunate, really, considering the importance of your fight to rid the world of tap-dancing.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You're thankful that the governor keeps granting you last-minute reprieves, but your waistline is starting to reflect all those last meals.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After years of conflict, your parents will finally accept that you're a picky eater this week and just begin serving you food at every meal.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A general sense of warm well-being will lead you to decide that prog-metal band Dream Theater should be killed painlessly and without torture, a decision you may later come to regret.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged firmly in your windpipe.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.