Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The Sistine Chapel panel that depicts the creation of the sun and moon never fails to hold spectators captive with its beauty and vast scope, allowing you plenty of time to search through their purses and pockets for money.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A signature lovingly practiced and perfected in youth, when there seemed to be nothing but time and dreaming, will be used to sign off on a shipment of new highlighter pens for the conference room this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars will send you a special message this week, but sadly, you will be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
To many, you're nothing more than an overly enthusiastic carpet salesman, which is unfortunate, really, considering the importance of your fight to rid the world of tap-dancing.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're thankful that the governor keeps granting you last-minute reprieves, but your waistline is starting to reflect all those last meals.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After years of conflict, your parents will finally accept that you're a picky eater this week and just begin serving you food at every meal.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A general sense of warm well-being will lead you to decide that prog-metal band Dream Theater should be killed painlessly and without torture, a decision you may later come to regret.
