Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
