Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
