Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If the holiday season yields invitations you feel compelled to accept, you could always follow the example of Frank Conroy's father, as outlined on the first page of his memoir Stop Time.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.