Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The last time you made a snow angel, you were but a child. Also, you weren't flailing your limbs wildly in a desperate attempt to free yourself from a knife-wielding psychopath.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll become famous company-wide for your popularization of the emoticon "Down Syndrome Kid Flips You Off." Shortly thereafter, you'll be justifiably fired, you insensitive asshole.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You’ve always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your daughter’s body floating in the ravine.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After years of insisting it's just a phase, you'll finally come to accept your parents' homophobia this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week, the stars will grant you your heart's deepest desire, causing you confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The fear of being buried alive has often consumed your thoughts, but as you'll soon discover, the alternative is much, much worse.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll have an instant hit on your hands next week after releasing a rap single that not only features your area code, but also your full zip code, social-security number, and mother's maiden name.
