Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
