Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your married life will end just minutes after it begins next week, when everyone riding in the limousine, chauffeur included, assumes that the increasingly frantic honking is congratulatory.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
True, as a SWAT team sniper, you never should have been spying on the disrobing blonde across the street through your rifle's scope. Then again, it's not entirely your fault that your hands got as sweaty as they did.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
As the mother of newborn quintuplets, it's understandable that you've had less time for work around the house. Still, you really shouldn't let them pile up in the sink like that.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will bring next week's funeral service to a screeching halt when you insist people give you one reason why that perfectly good casket should be buried.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The biggest mistake you'll make next week is putting so much love and care into building that effigy.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars believe you felt a tremor, but leave out the part about the bobble-head dolls when telling others.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It's been years since you read the play, but this week's Softsoap-sponsored production of Macbeth is definitely not how you remember the Shakespearean tragedy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The pleasure you get from playing the two-finger waltz on the piano is astounding, especially considering it cost the life of an elephant.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While the jazzercise class won't trim your thighs or waistline, it will leave you with a greater appreciation for brilliant composer Charles Mingus.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the Guinness World Record holder for Shortest Living Man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You've always feared spending the rest of your life as a streetwalker, but don't worry, there will be about two hours near the end when, for all intents and purposes, you'll be more of a field-crawler.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.