The Onion

Hopes For 2006

December 28, 2005 | Issue 41•52

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

Black Man

Nick Del Mar,
Waiter
"A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

Young Man

Jim Sclavanous,
Package Delivery Man
"I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?"

Old Man

Nicholas Knox,
Chemist
"Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet."

Young Woman

Miriam Bateman,
Tax Preparer
"I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister."

Asian Man

William Linna,
Career Counselor
"I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.

Old Woman

Kate Alexander,
Produce Manager
"Next year? But...but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?"

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