Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
