Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will fail to keep your New Year's resolution to ignore meaningless holidays and arbitrary personal decisions.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your insurance company insists that it has no obligation to insure you as long as you're still frozen in that block of ice.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Act surprised all you want, but you know damn well why hockey great Theoren Fleury is waiting on your doorstep with flowers and candy.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Dedicate yourself to the vision of poet Herman Hesse, who declared war on cheap, false beauty: Kill every figure skater you can find.
