Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.