Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Among the many reasons you admire Orwell's 1984, including its prophetic vision and tremendous moral courage, the restraint shown by George Orwell in omitting the term "nondoubleplussed" tops the list.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Historians and physicists alike will dismiss your theory that, minutes after the first apple, a second fell on Newton's head, triggering both the discovery of a new, safer place to sit and his second law of motion: Change equals Force divided by Mass.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The rapid deterioration of your sight will abate this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your lifelong dream will be realized by a cheese and meatball sub, when the lucky sandwich gets to go backstage at next week's Solomon Burke concert.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A photograph of a young Huli tribesman will leave you wondering exactly what kind of mother lets her son get all those tattoos and piercings.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You wouldn't be so resistant to Huggies' new line of adult diapers if it weren't for all those disturbing, indecent commercials on television.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Even though it adheres to the conventions of the form, your boring haiku about the wind's quiet path along the sea feels about 19 syllables long.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The choir sopranos may tell you that it wasn't your fault, but you'll nonetheless struggle to see yourself as anything other than an alto after next week's rape.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although initially humorous, the apron that you purchase this week will ultimately be unable to overthrow and crush patriarchal society's confining gender roles.
