Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.