Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have a hard time putting what it is that you don't like about your new neighbor into words next week, particularly after he slices through your larynx with a cheese grater.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will scour the periodic table of the elements for several weeks in search of a fitting name for your new heavy-metal trio. Unfortunately, both of your bandmates will feverishly object to Derek And The Borons on several counts.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've seen some disturbing displays of faith in your lifetime, but next week's encounter with a highly devout theoretical mathematician who expresses his love for Jesus Christ as an "unbounded dynamical system" takes the cake.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A graphic, unsettling slide, absent-mindedly fed into the projector upside down, will bring much-needed levity to your otherwise leaden murder trial this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You don't care what the other guys at NASA think, the blooper reel you compiled this week from 45 years of launch footage was pretty darn funny.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Subjecting your waitress to the observation that all restaurants are in fact revolving restaurants due to the invariable rotation of the earth on its axis will more than explain why you're dining alone.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're not saying that the awards are undeserved, but still, if all those people had wanted to see a gay cowboy movie, all they had to do was come by your basement anytime during the last 14 years.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
True to its promise, a new kitchen disinfectant will make life easier for you, a single working mother with two children. But that's only because you'll take to regularly huffing the highly toxic solvent.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
As a devoted female campus advocate, you've long maintained that "no" means "no," but next week will bring the realization that sometimes "no" also means "help."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week, you'll prove wrong friends and family members who have long accused you of being self-centered and callous when you drive cross-state just to spend a couple of days with your step-uncle at his luxurious beachfront home.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.
