Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll soon learn it's easier to catch typhoid fever that way, too.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will attend an experimental theater production of Luigi Pirandello's Six Characters In Search Of An Author this week, only to spend the play's entire 90 minutes wishing that there was a fourth wall separating you from the actors.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's been years since you've been able to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter, and while your relationship overall won't change much, you'll still be relieved to discover that she has recently risen to the rank of Pink Goth.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You won't know whether to feel proud or insulted next week when representatives from Ravensburger travel hundreds of miles out to your farm just to photograph its wheat field for their new line of 12,000-piece puzzles.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her former husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Two hangnails and one cavity later, you will see that you were the victim of one hell of an underwhelming gypsy curse.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've long suspected your job as a studio executive to be vacuous and perhaps even inconsequential, but you'll have it confirmed later on this week when you hire two writers to brainstorm scenarios in which Stella could once again find her groove.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It's not so much the employment of menstrual fluids in your paintings that unsettles others around you, but more your dependence on Jackson Pollock's splatter technique.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After 16 months of study, you will finally acquire a strong enough command of Spanish to exploit the language's inverted question mark in what you've eagerly described as your "most ambitious rotational anagram" to date.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your personal biases will interfere with your work this week, leading the other Ku Klux Klan members to ask that you harass Mexicans on your own time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
