Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your recent declaration of love for women of all shapes and sizes may sound tolerant and open-minded to others, but the stars haven't forgotten that women also come in a variety of ethnicities.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Despite having been hummed hundreds of times before, the old saw "Home is where you hang your hat" will once again seem fresh when Manitoba police investigators catch sight of your cold, lifeless body dangling from the living-room fan.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will finally be able to deal with the reality of your husband's passing this week, after 15 years spent slowly and gleefully savoring it as a fantasy.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars hate to have to be the ones to break this news to you, but while it is true that it only takes a single million-dollar idea to strike it rich, your box of paperclips retailing for $1 million is not it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You won't be able to believe your incredible luck this week when the 6-year-old boy you lure down into your basement seems completely oblivious to the age-of-consent laws in the state of Montana.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While your friends always tell you that you are inconsiderate for failing to call women the day after sex, they rarely praise you for how frequently you call the day after phone sex.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've long boasted that there's never a dull moment in the MidWestern Medco mail room, but that will all change next week when a round of hijinks with the office copier goes horribly awry, generating a stasis field that envelops the entire third floor.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Thomas Edison famously described success as 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, which leaves you 1 percent away from succeeding in getting off the couch.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are shattered and your head is broken loose.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.
