Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will mistakenly bring your enemies list instead of your grocery list to the supermarket this week, resulting in the purchase of a bottle of Paul Newman's ranch dressing, a box of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice, and artichokes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A disastrous pattern error will result this week in a fashionable dress you are finally able to fit into.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your reputation as a great conversationalist will be challenged this week, when you steer a discussion momentarily outside of the DC/Marvel universes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While at first it may have seemed like a pleasant, carefree way to pass the time, you'll be brought to your knees by next week's word jumble.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It could just be a coincidence, but you're starting to suspect there's more to your local Barnes & Noble's decision to move its Gay/Lesbian section next to its Self-Help section.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will succeed beyond your wildest expectations this week, when you win a pie-eating contest and then, minutes later, take first place in a pie-vomiting contest.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sure, it's disappointing, even heartbreaking, but if you look at it another way, everybody won that child-custody battle.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
What begins as an innocent, civilized debate over who has the sharpest butterfly knife will quickly turn heated this week, ending minutes later in unforeseen tragedy.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've long known the guys at NASA have a tendency to pull pranks, but you'll still agree to check on a supposedly broken wind tunnel next week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After politely refusing to join the mile-high club, the three-quarter-mile-high club, and the half-mile-high club, you will finally acquiesce, and join the 322-feet-high club during next Monday's flight.
