Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.
