Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking and thick-accented defendant on trial for murder.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles’ groundbreaking all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week, after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week, after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A poorly translated Chinese proverb about respect and honor will elicit howls of laughter from you and your friends.
