Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Time itself will seem to slow down next week when a crazed sniper takes to the top of a nearby clock tower whose minute hand is badly in need of being oiled.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult some tea leaves again, the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your perfectionism will get the best of you this week when you attempt to draw a geometrically correct circle freehand.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Like the bonsai tree, you require special attention and care. Also like the bonsai tree, you are far, almost freakishly, below normal size.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The emergency-room doctor said you'd never walk again, but he'll change his mind when he sees you drag your lifeless bottom half back from your car, hunting knife firmly between your teeth.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After many months of aggravation, your squad will celebrate a rare victory this week in Iraq, after utterly and completely defeating its purpose.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
When taking the SATs this year, remember: Preparation is key. Start practicing early by shading in tiny rectangular boxes with a No. 2 pencil.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be humiliated after a club DJ urges those dancing to get funky, only to give a more detailed definition of what he means by "funky"after spotting you in the crowd, when he realizes it would be easier to explain what "funky" is not.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be honored this week in a gala ceremony, during which the award's presenter describes you as the "Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereal manufacturers," claiming that without the "courageous path you helped pave," there could never have been a Cookie Crisp.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've heard the old joke about everyone in prison being innocent many times before, but this week will mark the first time you hear it told by a team of DNA experts.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.