Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Time itself will seem to slow down next week when a crazed sniper takes to the top of a nearby clock tower whose minute hand is badly in need of being oiled.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult some tea leaves again, the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your perfectionism will get the best of you this week when you attempt to draw a geometrically correct circle freehand.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Like the bonsai tree, you require special attention and care. Also like the bonsai tree, you are far, almost freakishly, below normal size.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The emergency-room doctor said you'd never walk again, but he'll change his mind when he sees you drag your lifeless bottom half back from your car, hunting knife firmly between your teeth.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After many months of aggravation, your squad will celebrate a rare victory this week in Iraq, after utterly and completely defeating its purpose.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When taking the SATs this year, remember: Preparation is key. Start practicing early by shading in tiny rectangular boxes with a No. 2 pencil.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be humiliated after a club DJ urges those dancing to get funky, only to give a more detailed definition of what he means by "funky"after spotting you in the crowd, when he realizes it would be easier to explain what "funky" is not.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be honored this week in a gala ceremony, during which the award's presenter describes you as the "Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereal manufacturers," claiming that without the "courageous path you helped pave," there could never have been a Cookie Crisp.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've heard the old joke about everyone in prison being innocent many times before, but this week will mark the first time you hear it told by a team of DNA experts.
