Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Time itself will seem to slow down next week when a crazed sniper takes to the top of a nearby clock tower whose minute hand is badly in need of being oiled.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult some tea leaves again, the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your perfectionism will get the best of you this week when you attempt to draw a geometrically correct circle freehand.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Like the bonsai tree, you require special attention and care. Also like the bonsai tree, you are far, almost freakishly, below normal size.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The emergency-room doctor said you'd never walk again, but he'll change his mind when he sees you drag your lifeless bottom half back from your car, hunting knife firmly between your teeth.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After many months of aggravation, your squad will celebrate a rare victory this week in Iraq, after utterly and completely defeating its purpose.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When taking the SATs this year, remember: Preparation is key. Start practicing early by shading in tiny rectangular boxes with a No. 2 pencil.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be humiliated after a club DJ urges those dancing to get funky, only to give a more detailed definition of what he means by "funky"after spotting you in the crowd, when he realizes it would be easier to explain what "funky" is not.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be honored this week in a gala ceremony, during which the award's presenter describes you as the "Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereal manufacturers," claiming that without the "courageous path you helped pave," there could never have been a Cookie Crisp.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've heard the old joke about everyone in prison being innocent many times before, but this week will mark the first time you hear it told by a team of DNA experts.
