Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
