Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The cycle of domestic violence perpetuated from generation to generation in your family will finally be broken this week, after you beat your only son to death with a steel wrench.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll wonder aloud this week if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will come to realize what's actually important in life this week after your father passes away, freeing up time you would've ordinarily spent by his bedside for playing video games.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand by the end of next week, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your life as a pediatrician will be exposed for the farce it truly is this week when you're completely stumped by an 18-year-old with a runny nose.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Life will give you lemons again this week, which you will make a huge deal about, complaining incessantly about how often you receive lemons, and how you can name at least seven other people who deserve lemons more than you do.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Despite the niggling feeling that you require medical attention, you will continue to leave the symptoms of schizophrenia untreated this week after management at Pixar awards you yet another raise for the facility and inventiveness with which you anthropomorphize inanimate objects.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nuclear physicists J. D. Cockroft and E. T. S. Walton may have been the first to split the atom, but if all goes according to plan this week, you will hold the distinction of being the last to do so.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will survive a bank robbery gone awry next week, after your captors decide to release their least attractive and personable hostage first.
