Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
In a freaky incident, you and your 16-year-old daughter will magically swap bodies this Friday, leaving you with a better understanding of the pressures of being a teenager, and your daughter with an unwanted pregnancy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Despite not giving them any say in the matter, you will enter into a murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide pact with your bank hostages this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're a natural born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Geminis.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will come under repeated attacks when a new organization, Drunk Drivers Against Mothers, takes to the street and parts of the sidewalk this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
For the fourth straight week, the line between your room's ashtray and the rest of your room will grow less distinct.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life takes a turn for the worse this week when you're checked into the burn unit of a nearby hospital, instantly becoming the target of jealous and vindictive attacks from the ward's only other hydrochloric acid victim in the process.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will stumble upon a lost golden retriever on your way back from work this week. Fortunately, an address tag will reveal exactly where you shouldn't walk your new golden retriever.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While you may suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism that has the effect of rendering facial expressions difficult to read, there's no way anyone could've made sense of that emoticon.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence, especially after the abortion is performed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. hoped for a world where African Americans would be judged not on the color of their skin, but on the content of their character. Either way, you'll always have a reason to hate Jimmie "J.J." Walker.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are some things in life you simply can't stress enough. It's too bad you keep putting it on the wrong syllables, though.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
While it's normal to harbor some resentment after a long and drawn-out divorce, the stars are still of the opinion that your latest roller-coaster-ride design is really petty.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.