Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will soon realize that just because you're firmly against capital punishment for developmentally disabled persons doesn't mean you can't find the concept of it inherently funny.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Using the phrase "a picture is worth a thousand words," your art professor will ask for a thousand-word drawing of a fruit basket this week, but you won't start it until the night before it's due, resulting in a rushed drawing padded with vegetables and even legumes.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will break longstanding racial stereotypes in your town this week, earning your fellow Mexican neighbors an even worse reputation than before: trying to foster social change through public nudity.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week, when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book you're reading.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You see the world through rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, they're not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While pleased with the progress you've been making in your anger-management course, you will suffer a tremendous setback this week after realizing it's actually a basket-weaving class you've been attending all this time.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Years of living vicariously through your brother will come to an end this week when you die vicariously through him.
