Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Remember not to tell your birthday wish to anyone after blowing out the cake's candles tonight or it won't come true. Although, truth be told, there's very little medical science can do for your mother at this stage in the game.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
