Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Remember not to tell your birthday wish to anyone after blowing out the cake's candles tonight or it won't come true. Although, truth be told, there's very little medical science can do for your mother at this stage in the game.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A magical nymph will appear at a most distressing time in your life and offer to help in return for your future first-born son—a hell of a deal considering how heavily you'll drink while pregnant.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, as cardiologists will point out, the diminishing presence of blood flow in your right ventricle is having an entirely different effect.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although everyone at the wedding will laugh when an elderly guest catches the bride's bouquet, the incident will seem even funnier moments later after the realization of just how unthinkable the old woman is as a potential mate.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will sink to a new low during a game of Monopoly this week, when, in an attempt to dissuade your opponent from purchasing Oriental Avenue, you'll casually remark that "it's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When Mozart stood before the piano, he was said to have seen not a series of black and white keys, but rather an entire symphony. Something similar can be said for you and unconscious women.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
One of the greatest archeological discoveries in decades will be yours this week after you uncover the disturbingly-well preserved remains of an ancient Roman vomitorium.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's no good way to deliver next week's news, except possibly in Sanskrit. Unfortunately there's no word in the archaic language for "hemorrhage."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will come down with a bout of food poisoning so prolonged and painful you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. Although, considering how you contracted it, you'd have every right to.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor next week after your car crash into a school bus of children is described as a "scathing satire of society's reckless driving."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
