Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Friends and family members will gather tonight to commemorate the day you were born, much as they'll gather a week from now to commemorate the day you died.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.
Libra September 23 - October 23
While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.