Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You'll make the disastrous mistake at work today of opening over 70 gift-wrapped boxes, effectively ruining your charity organization's monthly toy drive for children with leukemia.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a hand for being such a fantastic audience.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
