Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You'll make the disastrous mistake at work today of opening over 70 gift-wrapped boxes, effectively ruining your charity organization's monthly toy drive for children with leukemia.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a hand for being such a fantastic audience.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Doctors will agree to separate your newborn conjoined twins, but adamantly object to your request to put over 5,000 miles between them.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.