Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You'll make the disastrous mistake at work today of opening over 70 gift-wrapped boxes, effectively ruining your charity organization's monthly toy drive for children with leukemia.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Most experts agree that language is what separates humans from other animals, but as you well know it is in fact our ability to choose bestiality.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While being a homemaker is a full-time job, you will somehow still find the time to take on a second job as an emotional punching bag.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Many will be moved and inspired when you decide to court a terminally ill woman in the last months of her life, but that's just the kind of necrophiliac you are.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Construction on the new high-rise building you're working on will devolve into lewd and inappropriate whistling as an attractive woman rapidly falls by.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your years as an enthusiastic spectator will finally be properly appreciated when a touring musician asks you and the rest of the crowd to give yourselves a hand for being such a fantastic audience.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Family members may accuse you of being selfish and self-centered, but the truth is you'd do anything mutually beneficial for them.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be rightfully excited when your city's bid to host the 2011 Special Olympics makes it to the final round, even though you have a feeling that in the end the games will end up going to Mongolia.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your 10-hour shift would go by a lot faster if you didn't keep looking up at the clock every five minutes, but as head surgeon, it's your responsibility to record the time of death of patients.
