Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You will pass away shortly after celebrating your 88th birthday tonight, leaving your friends at the nursing home feeling guilty for making you drink a shot of vodka for every year you'd been alive.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The penalty for soliciting a prostitute is a night in jail and a $400 fine. Unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing police that the one in your car was already dead when you picked her up.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Months of horror and dread lie ahead after your town unwittingly builds a new sewage system beneath an ancient Indian burial ground.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
With spring in full swing, you'd love nothing more than for the harrowing trail of clues to lead to a nice, quiet park bench for an hour or so before ultimately taking you to the "Forest Hills Slasher."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will finally admit to an obsession with celebrities after hours spent online searching for photos of a Hollywood couple and their day-old miscarriage.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've experienced a number of failed business ventures in the past, but this new line of electric wheelchairs "built for tetraplegics, by tetraplegics" will put the rest in perspective.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You realize the new pastor's style is as frank as it is popular, but you still don't think it was right for him to call your morals "as loose as Paris Hilton's pussy after a visit to the telephone-pole factory" in front of the whole congregation.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A gunslinger will come to town and promise on his mother's grave to put you in a box in the ground, but he will turn out to be the colorful, well-armed architect you hired to build your subterranean mansion.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've made it through the entire winter without once getting the flu, but don't beat yourself up too hard over having wasted precious time and money on that damn flu shot.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Directing your infant son during feedings to "open up big for the choo-choo train" could easily be seen as playful if it weren't followed by the order to "quick: dispose of those filthy Jews."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
