Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You will pass away shortly after celebrating your 88th birthday tonight, leaving your friends at the nursing home feeling guilty for making you drink a shot of vodka for every year you'd been alive.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The penalty for soliciting a prostitute is a night in jail and a $400 fine. Unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing police that the one in your car was already dead when you picked her up.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Months of horror and dread lie ahead after your town unwittingly builds a new sewage system beneath an ancient Indian burial ground.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
With spring in full swing, you'd love nothing more than for the harrowing trail of clues to lead to a nice, quiet park bench for an hour or so before ultimately taking you to the "Forest Hills Slasher."
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will finally admit to an obsession with celebrities after hours spent online searching for photos of a Hollywood couple and their day-old miscarriage.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You've experienced a number of failed business ventures in the past, but this new line of electric wheelchairs "built for tetraplegics, by tetraplegics" will put the rest in perspective.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You realize the new pastor's style is as frank as it is popular, but you still don't think it was right for him to call your morals "as loose as Paris Hilton's pussy after a visit to the telephone-pole factory" in front of the whole congregation.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A gunslinger will come to town and promise on his mother's grave to put you in a box in the ground, but he will turn out to be the colorful, well-armed architect you hired to build your subterranean mansion.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've made it through the entire winter without once getting the flu, but don't beat yourself up too hard over having wasted precious time and money on that damn flu shot.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Directing your infant son during feedings to "open up big for the choo-choo train" could easily be seen as playful if it weren't followed by the order to "quick: dispose of those filthy Jews."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're beginning to think this whole "taking a long, hard look in the mirror" approach to cleaning up your life is actually hurting your chances of giving up cocaine.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.