Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Due to upcoming national holidays, religious celebrations, personal vacation days, and the approaching weekend, you will be forced to share your office birthday party with roughly 17 different co-workers today.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While it's true that from the mouths of babes come pearls of wisdom, you'll nonetheless continue to touch yours inappropriately despite his incisive pleas
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Almost an entire decade after your short-term memory first began to fail you, you will wonder aloud where your 70s went this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Terror and panic will overwhelm you when a police officer reveals that the disturbing text messages you've been receiving are coming from inside the house.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're not the type of person who easily believes racist conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's a lot you can learn from your personal failures, the most important lesson being that no matter what you attempt, or how much effort you put forth, you will never succeed.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will endure extreme physical pain and suffering at the hands of a vicious mixed-martial-arts fighter after stepping into what you believe to be a heptagon.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Some women have the tendency to surround themselves with heftier friends to appear thinner, which explains your propensity for surrounding yourself with friends who look even more like Nick Nolte.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
