Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You will be left dumbfounded this evening when a man wearing nothing jumps out of your birthday cake, only to be followed seconds later by half a dozen police officers who, one by one, exit the triple-chocolate dessert in pursuit of the nude offender.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon learn that only by hastily skimming the errors of the past can we hope to mostly avoid repeating what we dimly remember them to be in the future.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the freedom of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
In times of crisis you've often looked to the stars for guidance, and this weekend will be no different, aside, of course, from your utter failure to identify which one of us is Polaris.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There are two sides to every story; unfortunately, no publisher is interested in putting out your account of D.H. Lawrence's Sons And Lovers.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely because it's gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While others have overlooked the brilliance of your fanfiction, they won't be able to ignore the upcoming 60 Minutes/60 Minutes II crossover you have planned.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A long nature hike through the peaks and valleys of a national park's black-bear preserve will drastically enhance your appreciation of urban centers this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will deliver the most perfect little miscarriage in the whole wide world this week, although others will fail to see what's so special about it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've heard the saying "you are what you eat" many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn this week.
