Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While it's true that a girl's Sweet 16 may be a very special time for her, that doesn't make your repeated, desperate attempts to relive that once-in-a-lifetime experience any less pathetic today.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will struggle next week to take pleasure in the little things in life, particularly the flagellated protozoan parasite Giardia lamblia, which will manifest itself in your gastrointestinal tract and inflict agonizing abdominal pain.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will feel very much like a fish out of water this week when your limbs are sadistically bound with rope and you are dropped off the bow of an ocean liner into the Pacific.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
With the help of a Native American tracker and a reasonably fresh trail, you will hunt down just where in Michigan those elegant, pointed-toe heels are sold.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After the murder of her husband, the kidnapping and subsequent drowning of her three children, and rape of her elderly mother behind a strip mall on the edge of town, you will have to hand it to your accuser for having one hell of a memory.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disappointment will be yours this week when what you first believe to be the play's curtain call turns out to be just Act 1, Scene 2.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
As a beta tester for the latest version of QuarkXPress, you have seen some things the rest of the page-layout-designing world should never have to.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While the countless differences between newborns and orange-juice cartons are clear, you will miss the most important distinction of all as you vigorously shake your two-month-old to death.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A sluggish Red Cross blood drive combined with a fatal stab wound delivered to your chest just blocks from the main blood-donor clinic, will result in the worst medical attention you've ever received.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An argument this week over the maximum weight capacity of your building's elevator will come to an abrupt end just moments after it began, essentially nullifying any well-thought-out arguments you may have had in the matter.
