Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You'll be made to feel like the most important person in the room tonight, but that's mostly because everyone else will fail to show up to your party.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
