Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You'll be made to feel like the most important person in the room tonight, but that's mostly because everyone else will fail to show up to your party.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological-disease outbreak.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of being unable to come to a decision without first consulting your parents, you'll take a giant leap forward this Friday, when both your mother and father fall into a vegetative coma.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
They've taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then they have access to a thesaurus.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be left rubbing your eyes in disbelief for hours on end this week, so taken aback will you be by the high concentrations of ragweed pollen and other common allergens in the air.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Soon events surrounding you will have sociologists the world over talking about the first enduring and naturally occurring isolation chamber.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You may not be the most disorganized person on the planet, nor the most inefficient, but you'll be damned if you're going to let some revolutionary new product take the guesswork out of your life.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Hot, stifling weather will have you running to the air-conditioned comforts of your local movie theater; unfortunately, you will not plan on the fact that this will mean having to sit through Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though your teacher keeps reprimanding you for not paying enough attention in class, you remain completely unable to see what good Physical Education will do you out in the real world.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your inquisitive nature will open yet another door for you this week, although others are starting to grow irritated by your apparent inability to open it for yourself every now and then.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A team of physicists, long uninspired and directionless, will refocus their efforts to build the world's first time machine after losing what seems like 50 years in conversation with you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
While one man's trash may be another man's treasure, there's really no reason why you should be wearing that dead kitten as a crown.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.