Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
While you know it's the thought behind one's gift that ultimately counts, you'll still be thrilled to receive a personal check from your best friend tonight.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've often said you'd kill for a good piece of cheesecake, but the sad truth is you're not prepared to go beyond savagely raping and mutilating someone with a rusty bayonet for it.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be stunned this week when you suddenly realize that the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" can also be interpreted as a metaphor for the card- game of poker.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
No mother should ever have to bury her own child. Sadly, with the little monster shrieking for help and threatening to run off to the police, what choice do you really have?
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your attempts to give up smoking will cease when a new study released in The Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that a single cigarette could take as much as five minutes off your workday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While the old rule of thumb that one dog year is equal to seven human years may sound a bit absurd, it does help explain how your Irish Terrier is able to get so much accomplished.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your husband has often teased you for believing that you were a blade of grass in a past life, but you'll have the last laugh next week when he accidentally runs you over with the lawn mower.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted, despite the nearly certain outcome, to a giant flame this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After all the commotion you caused, you'd better pray your wristwatch is found inside that poor cow's fourth and final stomach.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've long believed courage to be what separates the men from the boys, when, in fact, it will prove to be the three undercover government agents who raid your basement next Thursday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're prepared to go to any length to get your missing wife back—which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The "Kick Me" sign so often taped to your back during your childhood and adolescent years will magically transform this week into something that is just simply implied.
