Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Shock will melt into overwhelming joy when your oldest, dearest friend flies halfway across the world to show up at your party and present you with the most thoughtful gift—a gift you never imagined receiving—the significance of which was revealed only once during a most private conversation, one that took place seemingly 10 lifetimes ago and which, until the moment you unwrap her gift, will have been lost to time and forgotten. So try and act surprised, you know?
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Despite hours of stunned silence, rabid denial, and heartrending self-deception next Thursday, your stillborn will be still dead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It seems like no matter how many times you pick up the Bible, you always discover something new within its pages for you to wildly misconstrue.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although he will pick up the check at dinner, cover your movie ticket, and shell out for your cab ride home, it is you who will ultimately pay for this week's date.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After weeks of preparation and anticipation, your plan to escape from the psychiatric hospital will fail for very predictable reasons.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Broad, sweeping generalizations are often ignorant and easily disproved, which is why you wish Mexicans would stop making them all the time.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Appalled by social norms and dominant values, you will take a bold one-night stand against monogamy this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Nobody said it was going to be easy, or even that it was going to be worthwhile, sensible, or in any way tasteful—actually, people pretty much avoided talking to you after hearing of your plans to build an electric high-chair.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family's priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars understand that you're upset at them and everything, but it's really not fair to condemn the whole lot just because one of its members gave you skin cancer.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There's only so much you can do to guarantee success, unless of course you're finally prepared to sacrifice your dignity.
