Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You will undergo a profound, uncharacteristic change in the coming year, one directly related to the profound, uncharacteristic change in the Treaty On The Non-Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing short of a propane blowtorch, a full-face respirator, an ample supply of drinking water, and a HAZMAT suit will adequately prepare you for next week's parent–teacher conference.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After much analysis and numerous readings you will come to realize that Lord Alfred Tennyson's The Lady Of Shalott is actually a metaphor for the poet's complete lack of straightforwardness.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
With the hours you spend each week writing and rewriting dozens of trivia questions, the least those contestants could do is wait until you're done reading them before buzzing in.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
During a time of great distress you will be strangely comforted by the thought that somewhere in the world, at that very moment, writer–actor Michael Ian Black is stuck having a discussion about Slinkies.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will stumble upon an incredible found-art object this week moments after Rembrandt's "Portrait Of Nicolas Ruts" is mistakenly thrown out in a nearby dumpster.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be charged with obstruction of justice this week after adding a giant bowler hat to your police sketch of the missing culprit.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will join hundreds of other Americans in protest outside the White House next week after President Bush announces plans to send only 2,000 improv troupes to fight in Iraq.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A heated and extremely graphic argument with your wife about the effects of erectile dysfunction on your marriage will traumatize roughly 128 schoolchildren at the Grand Canyon next week.
