Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You will undergo a profound, uncharacteristic change in the coming year, one directly related to the profound, uncharacteristic change in the Treaty On The Non-Proliferation Of Nuclear Weapons.
Aries March 21 - April 19
They say you can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you're beginning to suspect he'd like to have his sneakers back.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Approaching police sirens combined with your naturally paranoid tendencies will significantly alter the stuffing of tonight's honeysuckle white turkey.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Nothing short of a propane blowtorch, a full-face respirator, an ample supply of drinking water, and a HAZMAT suit will adequately prepare you for next week's parent–teacher conference.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
After much analysis and numerous readings you will come to realize that Lord Alfred Tennyson's The Lady Of Shalott is actually a metaphor for the poet's complete lack of straightforwardness.
Leo July 23 - August 22
With the hours you spend each week writing and rewriting dozens of trivia questions, the least those contestants could do is wait until you're done reading them before buzzing in.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
During a time of great distress you will be strangely comforted by the thought that somewhere in the world, at that very moment, writer–actor Michael Ian Black is stuck having a discussion about Slinkies.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will stumble upon an incredible found-art object this week moments after Rembrandt's "Portrait Of Nicolas Ruts" is mistakenly thrown out in a nearby dumpster.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be charged with obstruction of justice this week after adding a giant bowler hat to your police sketch of the missing culprit.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye—not an arm, half a right leg, a lower jaw, several organs, five pints of blood, and the complete control of his central nervous system.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will join hundreds of other Americans in protest outside the White House next week after President Bush announces plans to send only 2,000 improv troupes to fight in Iraq.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A heated and extremely graphic argument with your wife about the effects of erectile dysfunction on your marriage will traumatize roughly 128 schoolchildren at the Grand Canyon next week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An out-of-body experience will soon leave you with a deeper understanding of just how much weight you should be trying to lose.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.