Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.







The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.




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