Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum-security prison of your choice next week.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.