Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
Past Horoscopes
March 16, 2010
Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
March 9, 2010
Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.
March 2, 2010
Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.
February 16, 2010
Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
February 9, 2010
Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.
February 2, 2010
Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
January 26, 2010
Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
January 19, 2010
Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
January 12, 2010
Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
Your Birthday Today
A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
