Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A huge jerk from the future will journey back hundreds of years just to inform you that none of your actions, neither imminent nor looming, will have the slightest bit of consequence on the Man–Machine War of 2486.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will learn the hard way this week that, while rescue workers can take your boy out of the Mississippi River, they can't take the Mississippi River out of your boy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
At this rate, weekly psychiatric sessions will help to cure you of your single-minded materialistic worldview in no time.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
To commemorate 20 years of being happily separated, you and your ex-husband will decide to renew your divorce vows this week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've always prided yourself on being able to both "talk the talk" and "walk the walk," but, sadly, a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of "Head Whiner."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After 86 years spent dreading the moment it would occur, your lengthy past will catch up with you this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars take great offense at your offhand dismissal of their predictions as "a whole lot of hot air," since they are by definition large celestial bodies composed of masses of gas in which the energy generated by internal nuclear reactions is balanced by the release of heat.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It is unwise to judge a book by its cover, especially if the cover contains an enthusiastic blurb from the Oklahoma Evening Gazette.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your ideological resistance to purchasing anything produced at overseas sweatshops will greatly complicate an otherwise straightforward purchase of three Indonesian children on the black market.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's easy to get overwhelmed, just remember: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane-ticket reservation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
