Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You've bragged for years about the relationship you two share, but friends and family members will soon learn that you were never actually that close with nature.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Many believe there to be no greater shame than profiting from the misfortunes of others, but they'll soon change their minds after watching you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to do so.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will have difficulty putting this Thursday's disturbingly violent scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad for.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A series of wrong turns combined with a stubborn resistance to ask for directions will cause you, 12 other men, and a giant gay-pride-parade float to enter a not-so-tolerant part of town.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your extremely unlucky, almost certainly tragic numbers for this week are 7, 3, and 2006.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Although you know it's only a matter of setting boundaries and better managing your time, you will nonetheless continue to struggle to separate your work life from your second work life.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Following your mother's uplifting open-casket funeral, you will regret following your instinct to keep the momentum going by having an open-casket burial.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You've often been called impolite in the past, but would an impolite person volunteer a seat on his face to pregnant women, the elderly, and physically disabled individuals?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Years of treasured recollections dating all the way back to your childhood will be lost forever when a four-story fall exposes your photographic memory to daylight.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Just when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, they'll get a little better for about a day or two before reverting back to being equally as bad as they were when you thought they couldn't get worse. A week after that, though—bam!—you'll be proven wrong.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
After careful deliberation and a thorough search of their surroundings, crime-scene investigators will finally determine the probable rent of your apartment next week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A loud, inconsiderate group of pickup trucks will roll in 15 minutes late and ruin yet another drive-in movie for you this weekend.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.