Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if that place is a cramped wooden coffin, six feet underground.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Despite sharing similar backgrounds, the use of abstract language in complex arrangements, and a capacity for the construction of primitive tools, you'll finally admit that things just aren't working out with that cute young primate.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After years of putting up an emotional wall to keep loved ones from getting too close, you'll realize the error of your ways this Thursday and purchase three tons of brick and cement.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll know you've made it as a drag queen this week when four unidentified men jump you from behind, shatter six of your ribs, and walk away shouting anti-gay epithets at your crumpled form.
Leo July 23 - August 22
With the exception of perhaps the stars, nobody would have ever guessed you'd end up a pedophile— much less a pediatrician.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and two million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but, as U.S. Air Force recruiters have known for years now, it takes only one child to raze a village.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Take heart in knowing that, someday, you'll inspire a whole new generation to pursue their dreams, secure in the knowledge that they couldn't possibly do any worse than you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Panicked and fearing no other existing option, you will knock your girlfriend down only one month after knocking her up.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A string of murders by an unidentified assailant dubbed the "East Side Slasher" will raise not only important questions about your town's lack of security but, more importantly, about its complete lack of cross-town public transportation.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
In time many will come to see you as a veritable hobbling encyclopedia of surgery complications and mishaps.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.