Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The gravity of next week's events will become increasingly clear to you with every floor your rapidly accelerating body plummets past.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Weeks after your wife's unexpected passing, crippling guilt over not having been a more caring and loving partner while she was still alive will sadly lead down the road to necrophilia.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The International Criminal Court, in strict accordance with the Fourth Geneva Convention, will find you guilty of committing war misdemeanors against humanity next week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: While Martin Luther King Jr., the man may have died 38 years ago, the values and principles he so bravely stood for have been dead for much, much longer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After days of heated and contentious debate, you and the radial-arm-saw-wielding stranger in your basement will finally just agree to disagree.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
They all said that you couldn't do it, that it was unethical and immoral, but from borrowed and mismatched parts, you'll nonetheless create a Frankenstein's monster of a dissertation this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
What begins as an innocent free-association exercise will ultimately reveal a dark and deep-seated connection you hold between azalea bushes and garden trowels.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be held accountable for the needless deaths of hundreds of Americans just days after composing an irresistibly catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Once again, your abject ignorance coupled with a shortsighted speak-first-think-later attitude will result in the hanging death of another innocent stick man this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will lose hours trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, moments after quickly and easily fitting a round peg into a square hole.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A four-disc Criterion Collection DVD box set of your most painful and agonizing moments in life will be released this week.
