Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You may believe that God lives within every man, woman, and child, but the stars are pretty sure that's just a tapeworm inside of you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A terrible misunderstanding will lead dozens to believe that you'd do anything in your power to prevent no-good slacks from moving into the neighborhood.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After 15 years, four separate marriages, and the adoption of three foster children, your dream of assembling the world's ultimate Family Feud team will finally become a reality.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always believed fire to be an uncompromising force of nature, but fire will surprise you next week when it respects your wishes to be cremated.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A heated domestic dispute between you and your partner will be needlessly prolonged this week after it repeatedly fails to turn physically violent.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While you've always considered yourself to be the kind of person who puts others first, the women and children aboard a Carnival Cruise ship next week will see things differently.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If there's one thing you can't stand, it's having to unfairly choose a single personal grievance among literally dozens of others, each equally deserving of being vented. Either that or the way some people always talk with their mouths full.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will commit the deadly sin of pride again this week after deciding to work all 12 apostles into your Holy Trinity juggling routine.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scorpio regrets to inform readers that it has just filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy protection. All horoscopes will be handled through Hodgman & Associates, LLC until further notice.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're fucking pathetic at that, too.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will struggle to live down a particularly embarrassing incident this week after you're caught in public with the rest of your small, backwards town.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Frustrations will boil over and lead to unexpected aggression,when, for the third straight night, your 6-year-old son—the rude little bastard—falls asleep right in the middle of your bedtime story.
