Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
After 20 long years apart, you will be unexpectedly reunited with your childhood illness, cholera, this week.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sure, you may be disappointed with your lackluster weight-loss results, but keep your chin up, as it helps to prevent the deep folds of fat from amassing into a disturbing mound under your jaw.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Researchers at the Center for the Study of Chronology will be left speechless this week after learning how you spend your spare time.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will soon drive an eight-inch blade deep into your brain's occipital lobe in a desperate attempt to remain the center of medical attention.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: While volunteering to remove your shoes before entering a friend's apartment is indeed polite, volunteering to remove your shirt, pants, and undergarments is anything but.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You may take pride in your job as a Trojan quality-control tester, but there will come a day when you'll leave it all behind to spend more time with your 37 children.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've assembled a top-notch campaign team, acquired the necessary promotional materials, and toughened your stance on key political issues, but the stars still worry about your tendency to giggle uncontrollably at the word "gubernatorial."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Over the years, many have accused you of being an anal writer, but even they'll be surprised by the publication of your painfully proper Who-has-done-it? mystery.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A calm and orderly evacuation from a burning building will reduce you and hundreds of others to a pile of smoldering ash next week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After all that time and hard work, you're starting to wish someone had told you the field of elementary particle physics already had a theory of "quantum chromodynamics."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Following the collection of esteemed advice on the subject from trusted friends and family members, you'll nonetheless choose to rub your irritated eyes raw this week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While you've tackled the novel numerous times in the past, this week's reading of George Orwell's 1984 will come off as surprisingly dated.
