Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
A simple, nondescript jar of jellybeans will soon expose your shameful inability to reasonably estimate indeterminate quantities.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
