Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A simple, nondescript jar of jellybeans will soon expose your shameful inability to reasonably estimate indeterminate quantities.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
