Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
A simple, nondescript jar of jellybeans will soon expose your shameful inability to reasonably estimate indeterminate quantities.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You've always claimed to keep a rifle in the house in case a bear ever broke in, but many will still be shocked by what happens when a hirsute and heavyset homosexual mistakenly wanders into your home.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Years of backbreaking work and personal sacrifice will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
While often upsetting and painful, you can't help but feel your family's never-ending cycle of violence to be quite cathartic the rest of the time.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Circumstances this week will force you to sheepishly admit that you've been lying all along about giving out the best hugs.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will once again be left feeling hurt and taken advantage of when a stranger you meet at a bar fails to call after a 21-night stand.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Creative inspiration will strike you when you least expect it, which could pretty much be anytime between now and March of next year.
Libra September 23 - October 23
As exciting as a fight to the death may sound, you'll be sadly disappointed by the short-lived contest between two infirm centenarians this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Thanks to its prevailing visual conventions, you'll have no trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys in your city's upcoming race war.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your use of sports metaphors will confuse dozens after an attempt to recount the "blow-out" contest between the "frontrunner" and "odds-on favorite" New York Yankees and "bottom-of-the-National League Central-division" Pittsburgh Pirates this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The mood in the room will be all but ruined the moment your partner decides to steer pillow talk toward payment.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed him from so close.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Rigid standards set by inspectors at the stuck-up Food And Health Board will result in the closing of one of your favorite neighborhood seafood restaurants.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.