Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Confirming what you have suspected for years, nutritionists will release a report this week revealing that breakfast is indeed the most important shake of the day.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
