Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Confirming what you have suspected for years, nutritionists will release a report this week revealing that breakfast is indeed the most important shake of the day.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll find yourself surrounded by several pallets of gypsum having the time of their lives after mistakenly climbing aboard a Carnivale Cargo Ship this week.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
While you've always been a little embarrassed of your day-of-the-week panties, it's really your repulsive day-of-the-month panties you should be ashamed of.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Crime-scene investigators standing over your mangled and mutilated corpse next week will be shocked by the sheer number of grammatical errors carved into your forehead.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While Jackie Robinson should be venerated for how he forever changed the game of baseball, the stars aren't so sure about praising Willie Tyler and his dummy Lester for breaking ventriloquism's color barrier.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Deceiving your very eyes this week, an optical illusion will at first glance appear interesting to you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You used think it was your rapier wit and raffish charm that made you attractive to the opposite sex, but as it turns out it's just your orifices.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Remember: They may take your job, your house, and even your family away from you, but they can't ever take the grief and utter despair you'll feel when it happens.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Just moments after surviving your fifth heart attack, an erroneous leap in logic will lead you to the belief that absolutely nothing can stop you now.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Relying on ethnic stereotypes to form opinions of strangers you've never before met in your life makes you just as ignorant and lazy as most Mexicans.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A harrowing brush with death will, in an unexpected turn, leave you with a much deeper appreciation for death this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Things will turn awkward this week when you accuse an entire village of Native American women of leading you on with mixed smoked signals.
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Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.