Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
After purchasing a brand-new computer, scanner, digital camera, camcorder, and zip drive, you'll feel the line between technophile and pedophile continue to blur.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
