Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
After purchasing a brand-new computer, scanner, digital camera, camcorder, and zip drive, you'll feel the line between technophile and pedophile continue to blur.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
