Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
After purchasing a brand-new computer, scanner, digital camera, camcorder, and zip drive, you'll feel the line between technophile and pedophile continue to blur.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
An attempt to tease a good friend for staying home with his girlfriend will backfire this weekend when his proud African-American heritage mixes tragically with your thoughtless whip-cracking sound effects.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After two rapes, three muggings, and a heinous murder, you will completely run out of directions in which to look the other way.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Without warning and seemingly against your will, you'll once again claim to be a black, time-traveling nanoscientist trapped inside a white man's body.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll soon learn that it doesn't take being married, or even raising a family, to sacrifice your personal dreams.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbecue will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20-minute mark.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A window-shopping excursion for some new clothes will be utterly ruined this week by the sight of your own reflection.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Dental records will positively identify you next week as the only man in history to have ever died from too many cavities.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your tendency to procrastinate will once again result in your putting off another dozen people this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Others may only see a filthy, rat-infested dumpster, but to you and your three malnourished children, it's a filthy, rat-infested home.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will again be left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed this week, this time after becoming the last of your girlfriends to go through menopause.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.