Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You swore that you'd never let it happen, that you'd never turn out the same way she did, but with each passing day you're becoming more and more like your deceased mother.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
