Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
You swore that you'd never let it happen, that you'd never turn out the same way she did, but with each passing day you're becoming more and more like your deceased mother.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
