Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You swore that you'd never let it happen, that you'd never turn out the same way she did, but with each passing day you're becoming more and more like your deceased mother.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
