Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You swore that you'd never let it happen, that you'd never turn out the same way she did, but with each passing day you're becoming more and more like your deceased mother.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While studies have long found laughter to be good for one's heart, a new medical report will soon reveal it to be unbelievably bad for one's pancreas.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll struggle to come up with a suitable punishment for your dog after he sheds his mortal coil all over your brand-new couch.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
As busy as things may get, don't forget to set aside a sizeable chunk of time this week to enjoy the complex pleasures in life.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Self-important claims about being your own worst enemy this week will only serve to further inspire those already plotting your demise.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars predict, with a fair amount of facility, that your forthcoming rap album Holla-Caust will enjoy meager sales at best.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There won't be enough Rohypnol in the world after you purchase the unsuspecting blonde three stools down a $10 cocktail this Thursday.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Three ethereal spirits will visit from beyond the grave this evening to teach you about the true meaning of skepticism.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Police investigators will once again make the mistake of ruling out boredom as the motive behind your latest series of battery assaults.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
As a citizen of the world, the threat of war with Iran leaves you deeply concerned, but as a video game enthusiast, it's really pretty exciting.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Disappointment will be yours this week, when a collection of science-fiction short stories proves to be padded with conceivable, intelligible tales.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A tall, dark stranger will leave you embarrassed this week after claiming to be a tall, dark acquaintance of yours from college.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Days after discussing your diagnosis and remaining medical options with family members, an incensed oncologist will sue you for breaching doctor-patient confidentiality.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.